Monday's appointment was not productive, except that I am realizing that I need to prove to my husband that I am trustworthy. I am still in some kind of limbo. He wants me to work, not homeschool and not have another baby. I don't know how to reconcile that with what I want... Just praying.
I am up in the attic for today and all of next week, boxing everything up. Once it is boxed up, I will go through it box by box to decide what to keep, what to throw away, what to sell, and what to give away. My husband is so happy. I am doing a lot of thinking while I am up there. We have a counseling appointment Monday and I am thinking hard about what I want. Meanwhile, I am also listening to my mom's CDs of Nancy Leigh DeMoss. I am committed to declutter and destress inspired by this post: A Dangerous Immune Disorder
...to read to the children
...to pray
...to appreciate your loved ones
...to serve someone else
...to give a smile
...to eat with your family
Come to Jesus
Oh, my baby, when you're older
Maybe then you'll understand
You have angels to dance around your shoulders
'Cause at times in life you need a helping hand
Oh, my baby, when you're prayin'
Leave your burden by my door
You have Jesus standing at your bedside
To keep you calm, keep you safe,
Away from harm
Worry not my daughters,
Worry not my sons
Child, when life don't seem worth livin'
Come to Jesus and let Him hold you in His arms
Oh, my baby, when you're cryin'
Never hide your face from me
'cause I have conquered hell and driven out the demons
I have come with a light to set you free
Worry not my daughters,
Worry not my sons
Child, when life don't seem worth livin'
Come to Jesus and let Him hold you in His arms
Oh, oh
Oh, oh
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Oh, my baby, when you're dying
Believe the healing of His hand
Here in Heaven we will wait for your arrival
Here in Heaven you will finally understand
Here in Heaven we will wait for your arrival
Here in Heaven you will finally understand
Worry not my daughters,
Worry not my sons
Child, when life don't seem worth livin'
Come to Jesus and let Him hold you in His arms
Except that I cry every single day, sometimes every hour, and not just about the baby. I am still on a tv fast. My girlfriend at work told me that she was going to fast and pray about an issue and we got to talking about the importance of fasting when you really need God to hear you and you really need to hear God. I did some thinking, and while my waistline would prefer the food fast, my heart and mind need the tv fast. We'll see how it goes.
I have an ob appointment for my first check up since the baby tomorrow. Hopefully my hormones have returned to normal.
I have decided to go on a tv fast for Advent. Maybe I'll even add a bloggy fast, since I am having a hard time (emotionally) right now when I read about other people's happy perfect lives. I am working hard on being content, but envy is creeping up on me all the time.
Today, we went to church and hardly anyone was there. I came home and went grocery shopping with hubby. On the way, as he is prone to do, he took me on a detour to buy new hampers for our laundry. Since the utility room is painted now (yesterday's project), he wanted new pretty hampers to go in there. I will post pics as soon as I get the trim touched up and the liners for the hampers finished.
Now I am settling down to read to the girls until choir time.
Tristie and Ryder
My boys playin'
Another shot of my boys
A dirty faced Harps
Ryder near a dirty wall
Proof I was there
Granddaddy, Daddy (being gross), and Tristie
Uncle Jon and Taylor
My mom
Harper, Aunt Lauren, and Tabby
I will post pictures later. We had a nice Thanksgiving at my mother and father's house. It was made more nice by the fact that Mother had her portion of the meal catered and therefore wasn't stressed at all. Today we went to get paint and he talked me into a front loader washer/dryer set that was on sale. That will be our Christmas present to each other. It is nice because he is hard to shop for and this saves me racking my brain, and it will be nice to do more laundry at once to save time. Now we are painting. I am already having buyers remorse on the paint since the colors weren't perfect. I had to either go brighter than I wanted or more muted. I went with the muted tone, to be safe, because the kitchen is supposed to be spice colored and I didn't want it bright orange. We'll see how it turns out...
The cake:
Me:
Me and my bro (he was helping me stuff crayons in the crayon rolls):
Tabby (my mom bought the outfits):
Tabby:
Tristie (love that face):
Tristie:
Harps (the non-progeny love of my life):
Ryder (the other non-progeny love of my life):
Another gratuitous Harps shot:
This was my progress. I have actually made it further. I added one more row of fans and am halfway through with a row of flower motifs.
Keep in mind this needs blocking.
I can't stop working on it. I don't know if I will have another baby or if I will give this to someone else's baby or what, but it seems too sad to just frog the whole thing.
I feel so ungrateful for all I have and for that I am sorry. I know it is all part of the grieving process. I tried to tell my husband this morning that even though I look normal, I am not normal. I am broken and may be for some time. I am grateful that I have a beautiful family of three children and one husband, all of whom love me very much. I hope that God does something wonderful with my pain. In the meantime, forgive me my pity party and my resentment. I hope to be better soon.
I know it will get easier but right now I don't think I will ever be ok. My baby died and a part of me died with it. My husband is adamant that he will not go through this again and is getting a vasectomy. Now I have a barren hole where my baby was and it will never be anything more.
I just realized last night that the girls' birthday is tomorrow! And their party is Saturday! I had left it all to my husband to handle, but he asked me to order a cake. I have always made cupcakes for every party, but he wants a cake this time. Publix makes decent cake (no lard icing), so I am going to order from there.
I have to get chips, dip, and other snacks/drinks. I have to get decorations. I also have to do some kind of goodie bag. I had intended to make something well in advance, but of course nature had other plans.
I have decided to do crayon rolls and notepads. I am going in search of fabric, interfacing, ribbon, crayons and notepads today. I will also order the cake and get the snacks.
Here is the easiest tut I found for the crayon rolls:
I thought I was done Sunday when I saw the ultrasound and my womb was completely "empty". Little did I know I had days of labor and suffering to look toward. Monday I went to work (church) not wanting to be alone. I had to be driven home and given drugs. I labored for 2 hours before I finally found relief. I didn't know that until my womb was truly empty, I had to have labor over and over again. The upside is that I think I delivered my baby at home. It is hard to say for sure, but my husband said that either way it is representative of my baby. I am making a garden stone, because I can't bear to bury my baby and one day have to move away. So I had to go to the hospital the next day, and my doctor and husband preferred that I have a d&c to save myself further pain and struggle. Now at least it is done and I have no more labor to look forward to. My husband was clear that he doesn't want to do this again and wants a vasectomy, but I told him I cannot discuss it now. I am just going to pray and pray. I can't direct anyone's path but my own, but I can pray.
My baby is in heaven after a really long weekend. Life is very unfair and sad, but ultimately I imagine God has a plan to make beauty from ashes. I look forward to His perfect plan.
I started spotting and cramping yesterday, so I went and got a sonogram today. Everything looked great! The babies heart rate was 169. I saw movement of the arms and legs which was so neat! I want to scan the pics so I can post them but they won't scan on the printer at home.
I wonder if there is truth to the wives' tale that a high heart rate means a girl. At least I have a girl name. Tessa Elizabeth, Tessa Beth for short.
I am making a Stouffer's meal for dinner: chicken enchiladas, yum! If hubby was home, he wouldn't like it. I am just too tired to stand up and cook all night with so much cleaning to do.
Tomorrow Mom, sil and I go shopping for matching Christmas outfits for the grandkids. I really need a second day to rest, but I try not to turn Mom down too often.
Time for dinner, then off to bed!
I got exposed to both sometime in the last two weeks, so I have to take a blood test to see if I am immune or if I contracted it recently. There is a small risk if I have never had them, and I catch them now, it could hurt the baby. They said that there is a tiny risk that it could decrease the baby's ability to produce red blood cells and require a blood transfusion in utero. I take the test in the morning.
Today I put my money where my mouth is and cleaned up the girls room. They have one tiny closet for the two of them, and currently have two seasons of clothes out, since the weather cannot make up it's mind. I found a clothing rack I had bought for readying garage sale clothes and set it up in the doorway to the attic. You can still walk around it. I got all of the clothes hung up and all of my stuff off their floor (I had been sewing on their floor recently). All of their toys are in boxes in the closet. Now it still looks terrible, because both the bookshelf and headboard are full of clutter. I will tackle that when we get back in town. I have to finish laundry and pack now.
We are headed for Six Flags for two days. Dh bought us season tickets and we got free passes for this weekend. I am so excited. Clearly I can't ride rides, but I don't really care for amusement rides. I just love traveling and eating out and sleeping in hotel rooms. I plan on taking a small tripod seat and my crochet to keep me while they enjoy themselves!
This baby is draining me of my energy. It seems I have so little energy to accomplish anything over what is absolutely necessary. There is so much to do and so little time once I work around the job and the children and the husband and the chores. I barely have time to crochet for little T, much less read one or other of the riveting novels I have been gifted.
We saw Blindness yesterday which from horrifying me with the sheer lack of civility, but I saw a preview for a movie called Doubt. Meryl Streep says to Amy Adams, "You just want things to be resolved so you can have simplicity back."
That is just how I feel.
Since the boys went to the football game, we girls went to see the horrible chihuahua movie with friends. I just like to go to the movies, but the girls deserved for it to be their pick. Before we went, I painted all of our toenails violet (Royal Romance). I usually pick a very neutral color. In fact I think the last time I went with anything this dark was almost 8 years ago, back when I worked fulltime. I was inspired by some blog I forgot to note.
Like the shoes? I got those Friday at Rack Room shoes on clearance. I figure I can't buy a lot that will last me through the pregnancy except shoes.
Top- Kohl's
Tank- Walmart
Skirt- Gap via the thrift store
Shoes- Rack Room $12
Bag- Target $14
Fortunately a lot of my prepregnancy clothes will work since the baby doll top is in style. The skirt is cutting me in the middle though. Weirdly, I haven't gained a pound, but my stomach is straining at the seams of my skirts. Either I am bloated or everything is shifting in there, because it surely isn't the baby. I read that the baby is the size of an apple seed right now.
I found this on Chrysanthemama's blog and thought it would be fun.
Aprons - Y/N? If yes, what does your favorite look like?
I have only one. My dh made an apron for his grandfather and I wear it occasionally. I would like a girly one, but am waiting for the right one to grab me at the right time. I am partial to this one: http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=14920072
Baking- Favorite thing to bake? Pumpkin bread. I even got a cool pumpkin style muffin pan to make muffins in. It is my mom's recipe. I'll try to post it.
Clothes line - Y/N?
I want one but our homeowner's association forbids it, along with farm animals. While we thumb our proverbial nose at homeowners' associations, dh won't let me have a line or farm animals.
Donuts?
I only like Krispy Kreme. I would never mess with perfection.
Everyday - One homemaking thing you do everyday.
Dishes and laundry. Otherwise the house will go to pot.
Freezer - Do you use a deep freeze?
We had a spare fridge in the garage, but it went caput. It is easier for us when we stockpile meat when it is on sale, so we are looking for a new deep freezer.
Garbage Disposer Y/N?
I wish, but dh says no. Too expensive when I can just fish food out of the drains and throw them in the trash for free.
Handbook - What's your favorite homemaking resource?
Blogs and flylady.
Ironing - Love it or Hate it?
Hate it, but I rarely have to do it.
Junk Drawer - Y/N? If yes, where is it? Numerous. I have one in the kitchen, three in the nightstand, one in the bathroom, and an attic that serves as a gigantic junk drawer.
Kitchen - color & decorating scheme.
The whole house is in earthy colors. I picked a beautiful deep terra cotta for the kitchen but we have yet to paint. The rugs are orange, gold and brown. The placemats are orange, gold, beige and burgandy. The counter tops are black and the cabinets are cream.
Love - what is your favorite part of homemaking?
Mop - Y/N?
I use a special mop for laminate floors. It doesn't leave spots and has a reusable pad. I use vinegar and water to mop and it smells like clean to me.
Nylons, machine or hand wash?
I only wear footless tights and I machine wash them.
Oven - Do you use the window or open the oven to check?
Both. I never feel 100% sure until I open the window and prod the dish.
Pizza - what do you put on yours?
I love veggie pizza, pineapple pizza and now thanks to dh's carnivore ways, meat lovers.
Quiet - what do you do during the day when you get a quiet moment?
Reading my favorite blogs, reading, crocheting while watching prerecorded movies on tivo.
Recipe Card Box - Y/N?
I use a recipe book that has slip in slots for cards. But mostly it is just a repository for torn out recipes or ones written on scraps.
Style of house - what style is your house?
Custom brick suburb house. It was made for the former sheriff and his family. It has weird features like glass door knobs throughout and a room through a closet.
Tablecloths and napkins?
We do placemats and some cloth napkins. I just don't like tablecloths- too hard to keep perfect.
Under the kitchen sink - organized or toxic wasteland?
That is my husband's territory. So I say toxic wasteland, he says organized.
Vacuum - how many times per week?
Ds does it (yea!) once a week. I hate vacuuming it, which is how he inherited the chore.
Wash - how many loads of laundry do you do per week?
7 at the most. I try to go one a day, but things seem to get in the way.
Do you keep a daily list of things to do that you cross off?
When I am in a good mood. I am a list maker from childhood on.
Yard - Who does what?
Hubby mows, and ds weedeats. I remark on how nice it looks. I also pretend to care for the weed garden, but no one is fooled.
What is your last homemaking task for the day before going to bed?
Since I became pregnant, it is falling asleep on the couch and leaving the last bits for dh. Before, I would do the last bit of dishes (I do dinner dishes immediately, but if there are drink dishes or snack dishes, I do those later) and start the washer before going to bed. Then I check the dryer (it is never dry) and restart it.
I went to the ob/gyn today. He wasn't thrilled that I want a vbac. He did make some good points and we will discuss it in the future. I am officially due on June 3rd, but I didn't get an ultrasound to date it or anything. He wants to wait until there will actually be something to see so I go back in 2 weeks. I just want to confirm that it is just one baby.
He did really encourage me not to get any prenatal tests done on the baby. I don't want to, but dh wants to know. I guess I am torn because I just want my husband to be happy about this and I know he won't be happy if I refuse tests. Of course he won't be happy if there is something wrong. I just feel put in a hard place. It wouldn't change the course of my pregnancy, because for me all children are a blessing, but my dh is not in the same place as me. I wonder if extra time to process it will help him adjust. I talked to my IRL friend about it and she said we will just pray that God will change my husband's heart. I guess that is my only choice. I think I have some time before it becomes a decision.
Other stuff...
I went to the thrift store yesterday and found a pretty Cato skirt and a really cute J.Jill jumper. The jumper is a little short, but I paired it with black cropped leggings today and I think it looks nice. I got a Size 20 Venezia denim skirt that I am going to try to modify to make a maternity skirt.
I'll post pics of the clothes and progress on my christening shawl (I had to frog almost the whole thing yesterday, but at least it is right this time...).
Lastly, I leave this quote:
But what else makes a godly woman?
A godly woman is (this is from my journal this week):
-Quick to listen, slow to speak, and when she does speak, it is words of wisdom, exhortation, and love.
-An eye and an ear for others, full of care and compassion
-Calm, peaceful, free of worry or stress, calming to others
-Still (she knows that He is God)
-Fruit bearing (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faith, meekness, self-control)
-Never hurried--even when hurried! Serene, relaxed
-Flexible according to God's leading and promptings
-Puts other's plans, comforts, and desires first
-Modest in dress, behavior, and conversation
-Meek, humble, serving, and the first to ask forgiveness
-Biblical priorities are clear and in order
-Is home, focused on husband, children
-Has rest, trust, and faith in the Lord
This may sound like a commercial but I am just so excited. My mother called me a week and a half ago and offered to pay for me to join L.A. Weight Loss. Everyone thinks it was really nice, but realize that she was saying that I wasn't just fat, but so fat she was willing to pay large amounts of money to fix me. I wasn't sure I wanted to. My husband insists that I work right now, and even though it is a part time job and is very flexible (I am practically my own boss)- it leaves little time for me to focus on anything other than meeting my family's needs and caring for my home. My weight was just not a priority at all. I talked it over with my husband and he said "why not?" so I said yes.
My starting weight was 195. I have been on it for one week and have lost 11.2 lbs. I am so excited. My only setback today was that I accidentally ate a piece of cake. No, this isn't one of those "I tripped and fell on it with my mouth open" jokes. I just forgot I was on the diet. I was so mad at myself because I would never have cheated at this point. I am doing great and I didn't really want cake. I had to weigh in today and they told me how to count it so I didn't mess up too bad. It uses a portion system and I had to count it as 2 starches and a fat.
I love it, love it, love it. I like how it teaches me to portion out my meals for the day and not to overeat in any one area, like starches or fats. My LAWL person told me the other day to hang in there, that the first four weeks are the hardest. I just laughed because I could eat like this forever. I do hate the 2 day "Take Off" diets, but those are few and far between.
The Rose Grower
This caught my eye at the used bookstore the other day because of this blurb on the back:
"If Jane Austen had been french, she might well have invented the family Saint-Pierre....stylish and uniquely crafted."- The Orlando Sentinel
I am now on page 145.
Here is a bit that I liked from the book so far about Sophie the protagonist:
"Think of her: a girl with just enough education to awaken curiosity but not nearly enough to satisfy it, a woman with neither beauty nor wealth and therefore little prospect of marriage. Think of her days: the unimaginable, unavoidable drudgeries like making soap and sewing every article of clothing and linen, the tedium of winter evenings when a few expensive candles shed such poor light that the easiest (and warmest) thing to do was to go to bed. Think of her world: elsewhere, horizons were expanding -oxygen had been isolated, the Pacific had been mapped, absolute monarchy was being dismantled-but science and history filtered down to Monsignac as anecdote and rumour, easily outweighed by a village scandal or the damage caused by an early frost.
You can see why Sophie needed roses."
I found this quote by Voltaire on page 120:
"Just as bad taste in the physical sense consists in being gratified only by overly piquant or excessive seasonings, so bad taste in the arts is a matter of being pleased only by affected ornament and of not responding to natural beauty."
It was so timely as I had just discovered this blog:
Eyes of Wonder
That blog is simply the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Her family is so beautiful that I think I might be jealous. Clearly I have not been so marred by the world's definition of beauty that I can not recognize true beauty.
I am also almost finished with both the brown and black versions of this shawl:
Half Moon Shawl
Today is a slow day because I cannot leave to do errands. The electrician is here to rewire the patio so that it might support the hot tub we got off of Craigslist. The girls made me sad because they said they would rather have lunch with me than have a hot tub. I didn't tell them that I agree, just that Daddy wants them to have this hot tub so we can have fun family times in it.
I have something special planned to make up for it. We are going to make doll clothes and work on learning to crochet after I pick them up. I have the perfect pattern for them to try:
Gecko bookmark
I played for over an hour today to find the best look. I love the pretty busy designs, but they are too distracting for me. I finally settled on this as the least distracting. As a child, blue was always my favorite color, but now I am more partial to green. I think it feels more natural and healthy.
Bentos
More Bentos
I am obsessed with packing lunches, because how else can a former homeschool mom show her kiddos she loves them while they are at school.
I have made:
M-Mixed bean stew with cottage cheese dumplings (yum!) and saltines
T-Chicken noodle soup with homemade cornbread muffins
W-Egg muffins (quiche baked into muffin shapes) with honey butter biscuits
Th-Chicken quesadillas
F-We buy our food because we eat with MOMMY!!
It is fun to go beyond sandwiches and it makes me feel like they know I love them when they open their boxes.
Can I admit though my lunch love hasn't been as appreciated by the high schooler? He said everyone thinks his lunch looks like "puke" every day, but he did say it was yum and he ate it all. Maybe that is all I can expect from a boy that yells No when I hug him.
I just finished reading this to the children:
It made me cry as I was reading it. It does deal with some matter that some wouldn't want to expose their children to (ie a girl dies, her alcoholic father is abusive, a boy is homeless, etc), but I thought it was a great book with a wonderful lesson about being open to love.
I am currently reading this myself. It is book 5. I have read 1-4. It is very much in the same vein as the Harry Potter. If you didn't object to the magic portrayed in the book, you would surely object to the portrayal of all adult characters as either evil or inept. But I do find them enjoyable light reading for myself at bedtime.
I have just discovered Netflix's "Watch Instantly" option. I watched this on and off for the last two days. I know it was intended to be a negative movie, but I was moved by the young children's commitment to God, even if they were slightly naive (what is childhood without a touch of naivite?). I would be sad to have to watch them changed by the world, because their motives seem so pure at this time.
Dh wanted to take the kids to see Clone Wars. I chose to go alone to see this:
I had no idea what it was about since the library's only copy has been out since I saw the preview. I was surprised that it was about faith. I found that the movie seemed to want faith to be the enemy, but I came away with a different perspective. I was surprised after doing a little wikipedia research to find that the author's intent wasn't to discredit faith. I look forward to reading it to compare and contrast what I saw in the movie.
Fields of Gold Frock GIVEAWAY!!!!
Fabulous giveaway for gorgeous children's clothes!
http://sixblessings.blogspot.com/2007/06/whats-for-dinner.html
Fabulous idea for dinner or even chore chart!
I love to wake up and look at this beautiful scene. Our fish tank is right beside our bed. The light is on a timer and it wakes me gently each morning. We have two perc clown fish (the orange), two clark clowns (the yellow), a yellow tang, a sailfin tang (striped), a blue dory, a blennie and a goby (sp?), multiple anemones, a red starfish, a choc chip starfish, 3 shrimp and numerous crabs and snails, including 2 emerald crabs. 
http://www.lainesletters.com/letters/private.html
Not just encouraging in my heartbreak of only having 3 kids, but encouragement to keep my "loose lips" shut.
There is a lot going on in my church and I find myself wanting to say something to stop what I see as wrong direction. My husband councils me to keep out of church politics. I am trying. I had hoped that what was true would be evident to everyone, but I worry that people are easily deceived.
When it comes to attacks on me, I pray and if I haven't wronged the person, I stay silent. I figure that people talking about me only reflects poorly on them and I don't have to defend myself when I haven't done anything wrong. But I feel that I have to say something when others are wrongly attacked- I feel I should at least give the attackee a heads up as to what is being said so that they can correct or defend themselves as they see fit. It is just wrong when this behavior takes place in a church. Of course it is wrong anywhere, but it is especially disheartening to see bad behavior by those who profess to love Jesus.
"1. Do you make some time each day to focus on your husband alone, talking to him about his day, his needs, his joys and frustrations?
2. Do you focus on your role as helpmeet, rather than thinking of your husband as someone to help you?
3. Do you communicate to him admiration and respect, and verbally praise and encourage him?
4. Do you try to learn more about the things that interest him, so you can fully be a part of his world?
5. Do you encourage him in his role as leader of the family, and are you willing to follow him when he does lead?
6. Do the two of you go out by yourselves sometimes, even if it is just to a fast food restaurant for coffee?
7. Do you do your part to keep your sex life healthy, strong and exciting?"
I definitely need this reminder this week. I have fallen short in many areas. Thankfully he loves me despite my shortcomings.
I am reading this book by Vickie Farris and her daughter, Jayme Farris Metzgar. I found encouragement in the second chapter by these words,
"I can think of few things more difficult for a mother than doing something she believes is not God's best for her children. If you are in this situation, be comforted that God rewards those who obey Him. I believe that home education has been successful for this very reason - it is God's way, and God's ways work. However, for mothers whose husbands have forbidden them to home school, God's way is to submit to your husband. Just as we homeschooling mothers need to obey God and trust Him with the results, so you, in obeying God by obeying your husband, can trust Him to take care of your children."
It helps to hear that God will take care of my children as they enter public school this year. I feel like I need to cry out, "Lord, help me with my unbelief." I can't put God in a box and say that the evils of public school are mightier than He is. I have such fears about what school will introduce my daughters to, based on what I was exposed to as a young woman. I blame the poor choices of my young adulthood on my parent's not sheltering me better, but I am sure there is more to it than just their decision to put me in public school.
My parents made many mistakes with me as I am sure I will make many with my own children. I just hate to make the same mistakes as were made with me. For example, I will never ever leave my husband. The legacy of divorce is on my head through no fault of my own (or my mother's). My parents didn't divorce, but they did separate several times. It rocked my young world to discover that you could count on someone for everything and they might just one day leave because they didn't "love" you anymore. This has devastated my ability to form healthy relationships, which I believe God in now in the process of healing. My relationship with my husband has been saved by my own salvation.
My mom took the girls and I shopping for school clothes today. Just the process of shopping for school clothes brought up so many fears in me. I wish my husband was a believer and understood the importance of sheltering. I will still do my best to provide a firm foundation to stand on. I know it is possible to grow into a Godly woman even going through public school. So many of the women I admire now did just that. It is just a challenge that has to be faced. I will pray both for their spiritual/emotional/physical safety and for my husband's mind to change. I will drive them to school and pick them up, no matter how convenient the bus would be. I will have lunch with them once a week at least and volunteer at the school as much as possible to be a witness to what they face. I will seek out Godly mothers with similar convictions, so that my children can find friends with similar upbringings. I will hope and trust in my Lord, and pray, "Lord, help me with my unbelief!" May He teach me that I can have faith in Him and that His will shall be done!
Bek's Blog: Joshua24v15
I found this post and thought it was encouraging. I remember when the twins were born, I literally cried every single day for the first six months. I remember being paranoid the neighbors could hear me through the baby monitor since I sometimes picked up their calls. Then it occurred to me that if they could hear me losing it every single day and never came over to help, they were not worth worrying about. That is how I knew it got easier. By the second six months, I was only crying every other day. By the 3rd six months, I was only crying once a week and after 18 months, I was maybe crying once a month (of course, by then, I was being treated for ppd). It helps to know that someone else has had it worse, so it will be ok.
1. Refresh Your Spirit
Today I am finishing Ruth and reading Proverbs 14 (I try to read the Proverbs chapter that corresponds with the date each day). I was struck by one verse in Proverbs 14, v.23: All hard work brings a profit, but mere talk leads only to poverty. It is easy to blog about my life, but much harder to live it. I am sure Ruth didn't find her duties easy or pleasurable, but she did them. I need to do the same in my life. I find that I allow my physical maladies to excuse me from my duties on a regular basis. That is neither Godly nor wise.
2. Morning Routine
This currently consists of:
Making the bed...done
Doing the dishes...done
Doing the laundry...done
Tidying...done
Wiping the kitchen and bathroom...done
Taking out the trash...done
Prepping dinner (usually defrosting meat)...done
3. Take Time to Plan
To Do Today
Meet Elizabeth at park to let her take girls for a playday...done
Babysit nephews all day long...doing
Get some paperwork done for church preschool...saving this for after babysitting
Clean bathrooms...saving this for after babysitting
4. What's on the Menu for Dinner
It was tacos, but I suggested switching Friday night's dinner to tonight and hubby agreed, so it is Breakfast! Yummy (the best part is he likes to cook breakfast so all I do is the prep work and the dishes!)!
5. Project for the Day
My main area and kitchen stay tidy as per daddies orders, but I will try to post before and after of the bathrooms when I get finished. Plus I have to vacuum since big bro is out of town (bathrooms and vacuuming are his chores normally for summer months)
Just in time too! I was finishing the second and making star barrettes for their hair while we did the time share seminar and someone mentioned that it was the 4th. I was totally freaked out. But I got it done and they wore it to dinner and to watch fireworks that night on the bay. This is my very first time actually finishing a wearable in time for them to wear it. Hubby liked them and that made me feel really happy. I think my crochet can annoy him when he never sees any finished products.
I am now working on fish themed tops as well as a blanket for my bed. WIP pics to come soon. 
Becoming Me is hosting a bloggy tour where we are to post our own mission statement. I hardly feel qualified to have a mission statement since no one reads my blog, but I do have a purpose to why I blog, so I will post that:
My purpose in blogging is to examine my life from a spiritual perspective privately here in public (my tongue in cheek reference to the fact that no one reads my blog), to express my heartfelt desire to become a woman who pleases God, to encourage those who might happen by who struggle feeling they are the only imperfect moms/wives/women out there, and to document my day to day attempts to improve myself for God’s glory. I do promise to be more consistent in my posting, put my family’s needs (including my husband’s need for the house to be tidy) first before reading or posting, not post negative things about others except in an abstract non-specific sense, and to attempt to glorify God in all that I say or show.
I am so tired of people wanting things from me. I am one person. I do not have time for endless meetings and appointments and playdates and assignments. Ugh. Please do not ask anything of me anymore. This excludes my husband and children. This is for the rest of the world pick pick picking away at my soul...
Blest Be the Tie That Binds
Blest be the tie that binds
our hearts in Christian love;
the fellowship of kindred minds
is like to that above.
Before our Father's throne
we pour our ardent prayers;
our fears, our hopes, our aims are one,
our comforts and our cares.
We share each other's woes,
our mutual burdens bear;
and often for each other flows
the sympathizing tear.
When we asunder part,
it gives us inward pain;
but we shall still be joined in heart,
and hope to meet again.
And ride a "two-wheeler" (ie a bike with no training wheels). They taught themselves to ride a few weeks ago, but they blew me away yesterday when they started reading after we bought them some Bob books in a garage sale. They have read 3 books so far and can't wait to try number 4 tomorrow!
I feel like a "soccer mom". Someone once said that being referred to as a soccer mom isn't a compliment. I actually didn't know that. I actually thought it was an aspiration of every suburban mom to be a "soccer mom." I did know that I didn't want to be one - basically a chauffeur shuffling your kids from activity to activity. I have done it while we were homeschooling and it was a miserable semester. I got convinced by the emotional saboteurs in my life that Tay needed more socialization. Wrong, wrong, wrong! But it bought me a semester of exhaustion.
This week, I went back to work after Spring Break (being interim director and 4k teacher for my church's small mdo). I have been thrilled to see the kids again. I do love them like they are extended family. I do love teaching my own dds. I do not love the millions of admin duties nor do I love dealing with adults who act like children. I am tired from the emotional draining that comes with working out of the house at a fast pace surrounded by children who are not my own. It drains me.
To top it off, Tay has had track practice two days this week and a track meet one day. I kept my nephew 3 days instead of the normal 2 since his mom/my sil was trying to get ready for his party. And Tay and I are in the church play (which is to raise money for missions) and have had rehearsals every night this week. Not to mention, dh was out of town one night this week. Lastly, I like a dummy, got suckered into keeping nursery for the mother's group (of course this means I am with my girls) because they never have enough nursery help. I don't know what lapse of judgment I had in committing to any of this, much less all of this, but I clearly don't make wise decisions.
Today I worked nursery, had to come home and bathe the dog and her crate because she had diarrhea from the meat dh fed her against my pleas, had to get the girls ready for their first Upward Soccer practice (daddy is the coach) tonight, had to get Tay's and my costume/makeup/hair stuff ready for tonight and as soon as Tay gets home, we leave to go to the church to get ready for the show. Dh will pick up the girls from church to go to soccer.
It is also my nephew's birthday today and I haven't even started making his gift (a mickey mouse height chart) for his party on Sunday. But I did purchase a mirror since I will be doing face painting for his party.
I sound very much like a person I am not.
I just want to stay home, read my Bible, teach my girls, clean my house, etc. so why do I keep making choices that are counterproductive to that goal.
I went to bed with such positive aspirations, but awoke in the middle of the night to Tabby telling me she was throwing up. I held her on the couch all night and when she finally felt better this morning, I went back to sleep. So I got a very late start on everything. I did make delicious french toast for a late breakfast, complete with syrup and powdered sugar. 
I had been craving it for a week and since Tabby was feeling better, I decided to do it. Can you believe I have never made french toast for the girls before? Taylor and I used to eat it weekly!
After breakfast I did the girls' Bible reading and devotional (we are currently doing Right Choices by Kenneth Taylor) and then we read a couple of chapters out of the latest chapter book. Then they wanted to paint.
I tried to get to either the garage (yesterday's assignment) or the bedroom (today's), but I just couldn't motivate myself. So I had a cup of tea and brought out the laundry basket.
I normally sort, fold and put away all of the clothes immediately. However, there is one exception. When we are changing seasons, I tend to not sort, fold, and put away the girls' clothes. This is because both girls share one tiny closet (no bigger than a coat closet) and they have too many clothes anyway. So there is no room to put anything but the current seasons' clothes and I still haven't boxed up their winter clothes yet. Why? Because it periodically is still winter here. But it is also spring here half the time. So the new (to us) spring clothes have been piling up in the laundry basket waiting to be put away.
I am reluctant to put up the garage stuff also, because there is no room in the attic and it is going to be a huge chore to get space in there for it. So I have at least folded and hung up all the girls clothes that were in the laundry, and maybe tomorrow I can tackle the rest.
Btw, dh was surprised that the girls were wanting to learn to ride a two wheeler, so he made them change into jeans and worked with them for over an hour last night.
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