"A Mom Just Like You"

I am reading this book by Vickie Farris and her daughter, Jayme Farris Metzgar. I found encouragement in the second chapter by these words,

"I can think of few things more difficult for a mother than doing something she believes is not God's best for her children. If you are in this situation, be comforted that God rewards those who obey Him. I believe that home education has been successful for this very reason - it is God's way, and God's ways work. However, for mothers whose husbands have forbidden them to home school, God's way is to submit to your husband. Just as we homeschooling mothers need to obey God and trust Him with the results, so you, in obeying God by obeying your husband, can trust Him to take care of your children."

It helps to hear that God will take care of my children as they enter public school this year. I feel like I need to cry out, "Lord, help me with my unbelief." I can't put God in a box and say that the evils of public school are mightier than He is. I have such fears about what school will introduce my daughters to, based on what I was exposed to as a young woman. I blame the poor choices of my young adulthood on my parent's not sheltering me better, but I am sure there is more to it than just their decision to put me in public school.

My parents made many mistakes with me as I am sure I will make many with my own children. I just hate to make the same mistakes as were made with me. For example, I will never ever leave my husband. The legacy of divorce is on my head through no fault of my own (or my mother's). My parents didn't divorce, but they did separate several times. It rocked my young world to discover that you could count on someone for everything and they might just one day leave because they didn't "love" you anymore. This has devastated my ability to form healthy relationships, which I believe God in now in the process of healing. My relationship with my husband has been saved by my own salvation.

My mom took the girls and I shopping for school clothes today. Just the process of shopping for school clothes brought up so many fears in me. I wish my husband was a believer and understood the importance of sheltering. I will still do my best to provide a firm foundation to stand on. I know it is possible to grow into a Godly woman even going through public school. So many of the women I admire now did just that. It is just a challenge that has to be faced. I will pray both for their spiritual/emotional/physical safety and for my husband's mind to change. I will drive them to school and pick them up, no matter how convenient the bus would be. I will have lunch with them once a week at least and volunteer at the school as much as possible to be a witness to what they face. I will seek out Godly mothers with similar convictions, so that my children can find friends with similar upbringings. I will hope and trust in my Lord, and pray, "Lord, help me with my unbelief!" May He teach me that I can have faith in Him and that His will shall be done!

Now that I am back...

We had a really rough time for the last month and I just couldn't bring myself to blog. I find that just about every single problem in my life has resulted from my own sin, and this was no exception. However, I am back and ready to move on. I am hopefully changing in such a way that my life will continue to go smoother from here on out.

I am hoping that through God's blessings, I can quit working in May altogether except my painting, bows, and crochet items I sell. Right now my only "jobs" are working in the church nursery one morning and two evenings a week, cleaning my mom's office once a week, and working nursery for a mom's group two mornings a month. I do all of this with my kids so I still consider myself a "sahm". I am also still subbing at preschool on the condition that my dds can stay in the room with me (regardless of what age I am put with). I do keep my nephew (and soon will be keeping #2 as well), but I don't count that as a job even though they pay me because I would do it for free and I give that money straight to dh (it goes in an emergency fund in case Harper breaks or damages something).

My plan involves my bills to be paid off in 3 months so I can concentrate totally on being a "keeper at home". I have been sorely tempted though. The director of the MDO quit and I would be hired to have her job (a HUGE boon in income) if I applied. I almost did and three hours before the interview I withdrew my application. I know I am capable and would do a fantastic job- all the parents want me to do it, but I can't do it without cost to my precious children and right now they need me 100%. This job would be very close to full time (it is 30 hours a week), but I think it would consume so much more from me. It is hard to walk away from an opportunity that I know I would excel at and which would pay my bills off in one month, so I am having angst. I know that just because I would do a fantastic job, doesn't mean that the job would do fantastic things for me. So I am trying very hard to let it go.

Anyhow, here are two finished objects. One is a scarf I made for my sister in law. It is unusual colors but I just liked them together. I finished it back in January but just never got around to posting it.

The other is a birthday banner ordered from a member of the multiples club for her niece. I finished this in January also.

An epiphany during Bible Study...

Nevertheless, each one should retain the place in life that the Lord assigned to him and to which God has called him. 1 Corinthians 7:17a

So if I feel dissatisfied with my life it is because I do not have enough faith or trust in God. He has given me my perfect assignment and I need to be a good steward of it.

I'm having an existential crisis...

I really want to quit working. I only work part time as a nursery worker and preschool teacher at church and am always with my children. I just find it harder and harder to be the woman God has called me to be while doing time at these jobs. I took the jobs to give me financial freedom, because my dh has control issues (that he acknowledges) with money. What I have found is that with greater freedom, I don't spend wisely. It has been fun spending money that I don't have to be accountable for, but I am no better off with what I buy than I would be without it. I need to pay for what I have recently spent (not too much) and ds's braces. When that is done, I can quit if I want. I am such a people pleaser though and I don't know if I can let down everyone I work for and with by quitting. It will break the hearts of the children and their parents if I quit the preschool. My coworker and friend in the nursery job will be so upset if I quit that job. Why do I find it so hard to hurt people that are less close to me when I am doing what is best for my family? Right now I am aiming for a January quit time. That give me time to pay things and even then, I would have to give a month's notice. I have some second thoughts about being financially dependent on my dh, but I am hoping that God will bless me for my obedience. Nobody ever said that life was totally fun and you get everything you want anyway. That is just a lie the world tells you. Maybe it will be a struggle but I want the freedom and peace that comes from following God's path.

Today's skirt, a black eye, and prayer thoughts...

My beautiful girls today in their thrift store jumpers. I love love love the thrift store. I am planning a trip there Friday (I have to head that way to deposit my paycheck and go by the teacher store for some laminating I need done). I love to find jumpers for the girls, books for any of us, and skirts for me.



Don't they have the sweetest faces? I love it when they hug.

If you click this pic you can see her black eye. Taba ran into the counter yesterday and immediately it turned purple. It is fainter today though.
Today's outfit. Skirt and sweater from the Jaclyn Smith collection at Kmart, I think. I bought it 8-9 years ago and haven't been able to wear it for a long time since. Dh liked it today. I taught preschool and now just have to clean and cook.

I got a present today. Okay, it was from myself, but it is still exciting. I had to order some things from Amazon for dh and ds, so I ordered myself this book: Sew What Skirts! I have to resist the urge to go buy some fabric to start sewing them now.

When it is too dark to read or crochet, I pray when I am bored. Recently I started praying the alphabet, meaning I pray for someone whose name starts with A, then B, etc. I am stuck. I need a Q and a U. If anyone is out there with a name starting with those two letters, feel free to leave your name and prayer requests in the comments section. Any other letters also, because I do start over when I get to the end. I only have one Y and one X, and just two Z's. I shared this today with the Y I pray for and she told me she is having health problems, so I feel like it can really help people I wouldn't ordinarily think to pray for.

I also wanted to share some of my tricks for motivating myself to do housework. I am by nature a lazy person. I have to play games with myself. My favorite game is "do 5 things in each room". I do exactly 5 things in each room, going from room to room, then I start over until the whole house is done. It always ends up with my room and the girls rooms taking the longest to finish. I don't know why it helps with the monotony, but it does. I also have in my head that my primary jobs are trash, dishes, and laundry, so I check those at least 5 times a day- moving those along so they don't pile up. Trash used to be ds's chore, but I need the trash taken out when it is ready to go out and can't wait on him to get home from school.



Now I must get off the computer and get to work on my "5 things in each room". I suspect I will end up in the girls room for awhile, since I have been cleaning out the attic and their room has become a repository for all overflow.

Currently reading and listening to:

Reading: Becoming a Woman Who Pleases God
It is a book based on a Christian college's curriculum for godly women.

Listening to: Bedtime Prayers by Twila Paris
My dd says, "Ever since we started to listen to this music, I just love God more!" So sweet!