Quiet Day

I have decided to go on a tv fast for Advent. Maybe I'll even add a bloggy fast, since I am having a hard time (emotionally) right now when I read about other people's happy perfect lives. I am working hard on being content, but envy is creeping up on me all the time.

Today, we went to church and hardly anyone was there. I came home and went grocery shopping with hubby. On the way, as he is prone to do, he took me on a detour to buy new hampers for our laundry. Since the utility room is painted now (yesterday's project), he wanted new pretty hampers to go in there. I will post pics as soon as I get the trim touched up and the liners for the hampers finished.

Now I am settling down to read to the girls until choir time.

Thanksgiving Photos

Tristie and Ryder

My boys playin'

Another shot of my boys

A dirty faced Harps

Ryder near a dirty wall

Proof I was there

Granddaddy, Daddy (being gross), and Tristie

Uncle Jon and Taylor

My mom

Harper, Aunt Lauren, and Tabby

Thanksgiving

I will post pictures later. We had a nice Thanksgiving at my mother and father's house. It was made more nice by the fact that Mother had her portion of the meal catered and therefore wasn't stressed at all. Today we went to get paint and he talked me into a front loader washer/dryer set that was on sale. That will be our Christmas present to each other. It is nice because he is hard to shop for and this saves me racking my brain, and it will be nice to do more laundry at once to save time. Now we are painting. I am already having buyers remorse on the paint since the colors weren't perfect. I had to either go brighter than I wanted or more muted. I went with the muted tone, to be safe, because the kitchen is supposed to be spice colored and I didn't want it bright orange. We'll see how it turns out...

Downtown Holiday Jacket and Pant GIVEAWAY!!!!

Downtown Holiday Jacket and Pant GIVEAWAY!!!!

Custom Camera Strap GUEST GIVEAWAY!!!!

Custom Camera Strap GUEST GIVEAWAY!!!!

The Party

The cake:

Me:

Me and my bro (he was helping me stuff crayons in the crayon rolls):

Tabby (my mom bought the outfits):

Tabby:

Tristie (love that face):

Tristie:

Harps (the non-progeny love of my life):

Ryder (the other non-progeny love of my life):

Another gratuitous Harps shot:

My Baby's Blanket

This was my progress. I have actually made it further. I added one more row of fans and am halfway through with a row of flower motifs.


Keep in mind this needs blocking.

I can't stop working on it. I don't know if I will have another baby or if I will give this to someone else's baby or what, but it seems too sad to just frog the whole thing.

I need to apologize

I feel so ungrateful for all I have and for that I am sorry. I know it is all part of the grieving process. I tried to tell my husband this morning that even though I look normal, I am not normal. I am broken and may be for some time. I am grateful that I have a beautiful family of three children and one husband, all of whom love me very much. I hope that God does something wonderful with my pain. In the meantime, forgive me my pity party and my resentment. I hope to be better soon.

It will never be okay..

I know it will get easier but right now I don't think I will ever be ok. My baby died and a part of me died with it. My husband is adamant that he will not go through this again and is getting a vasectomy. Now I have a barren hole where my baby was and it will never be anything more.

Waking from my slumber

I just realized last night that the girls' birthday is tomorrow! And their party is Saturday! I had left it all to my husband to handle, but he asked me to order a cake. I have always made cupcakes for every party, but he wants a cake this time. Publix makes decent cake (no lard icing), so I am going to order from there.

I have to get chips, dip, and other snacks/drinks. I have to get decorations. I also have to do some kind of goodie bag. I had intended to make something well in advance, but of course nature had other plans.

I have decided to do crayon rolls and notepads. I am going in search of fabric, interfacing, ribbon, crayons and notepads today. I will also order the cake and get the snacks.

Here is the easiest tut I found for the crayon rolls:

Now I am done...

I thought I was done Sunday when I saw the ultrasound and my womb was completely "empty". Little did I know I had days of labor and suffering to look toward. Monday I went to work (church) not wanting to be alone. I had to be driven home and given drugs. I labored for 2 hours before I finally found relief. I didn't know that until my womb was truly empty, I had to have labor over and over again. The upside is that I think I delivered my baby at home. It is hard to say for sure, but my husband said that either way it is representative of my baby. I am making a garden stone, because I can't bear to bury my baby and one day have to move away. So I had to go to the hospital the next day, and my doctor and husband preferred that I have a d&c to save myself further pain and struggle. Now at least it is done and I have no more labor to look forward to. My husband was clear that he doesn't want to do this again and wants a vasectomy, but I told him I cannot discuss it now. I am just going to pray and pray. I can't direct anyone's path but my own, but I can pray.

Life's unfair

My baby is in heaven after a really long weekend. Life is very unfair and sad, but ultimately I imagine God has a plan to make beauty from ashes. I look forward to His perfect plan.

A little scare...

I started spotting and cramping yesterday, so I went and got a sonogram today. Everything looked great! The babies heart rate was 169. I saw movement of the arms and legs which was so neat! I want to scan the pics so I can post them but they won't scan on the printer at home.

I wonder if there is truth to the wives' tale that a high heart rate means a girl. At least I have a girl name. Tessa Elizabeth, Tessa Beth for short.

I am making a Stouffer's meal for dinner: chicken enchiladas, yum! If hubby was home, he wouldn't like it. I am just too tired to stand up and cook all night with so much cleaning to do.

Tomorrow Mom, sil and I go shopping for matching Christmas outfits for the grandkids. I really need a second day to rest, but I try not to turn Mom down too often.

Time for dinner, then off to bed!

Roseola and Fifths

I got exposed to both sometime in the last two weeks, so I have to take a blood test to see if I am immune or if I contracted it recently. There is a small risk if I have never had them, and I catch them now, it could hurt the baby. They said that there is a tiny risk that it could decrease the baby's ability to produce red blood cells and require a blood transfusion in utero. I take the test in the morning.